Coffee Anonymous

Things I must write about:

• Al!
• Snobby girls
• Australian lady
• Rock, paper, scissors 
• Store next door

Just because I work here doesn’t mean I can solve all of your petty issues.

Picture this: It’s late morning on a sunny summer day in suburban hell where soccer moms don’t drive minivans, they drive Lexus RX 350s (only when the kids are sweaty - for all other occasions they trek around in their BMWs or what have you). I’m wiping down a few tables and sweeping up sugar granules that have somehow managed to not only miss the drink they were intended for but also to sprawl across the entire lobby area. What do you do, open your sugar packet and fling its contents as far as you possibly can? This isn’t an arcade; you don’t get a little plush toy in the shape of a coffee cup if you make the biggest mess.
So while I’m cleaning up the mess you’ve managed to so artfully create, you’re sipping on your decaf-no-whip-mocha-ice-blended and pecking away at your computer. You look up and notice a young employee and take it upon yourself to clear your throat to grab my attention. What can I help you with today? *smile smile smile*
Q: Why is your internet so slow? Every time I come in her it is SO frickin’ slow! What, are a bunch of people connected to it so it’s slow? I mean seriously. It’s ridiculous how slow your internet is.
A: Lady, I am not a member of the “frickin’” Geek Squad, okay? This is not Best Buy, Time Warner Cable, AT&T, 1-800-tek-help or whatever. This is a coffee store. We are not obligated to offer you internet connection so be grateful that we have it.
Oh, wait, did I say that? I meant to apologize for the inconvenience and tell you oh so sweetly that I am not sure why the internet is so slow - but let me see if my manager has any idea. And yes, sometimes when we have quite a number of customers connected to it, it is a little slower.
I am not “Moses, Jesus, Allah” (Say Anything reference anyone?) I am a 17 year old high school student. By the way, I know my manager won’t be able to fix it but I am just trying to make you feel better. 
Go home for internet. Go to the library for internet. Damn, go to another coffee store or at least avoid ours when you need internet connection. Go back to work. If you can afford such a nice soccer mom car then I think you can afford to pay your internet bill… At least I really hope so. Just please don’t take your anger at the internet connection out on me.
I mean she basically grilled me about it even after I told her it is really out of my (and my manager’s for that matter…) control.
And to the man having trouble connecting to the internet in our store on his iPad: Maybe you should listen to me when I am offering you assistance. I have that exact iPad and have the exact difficulty you are describing to me when I’m in the airport. So listen!! Don’t get all sassy and stomp away from me like a little 4 year old from Toddlers & Tiaras…
In all honesty: I really do love my job and encounter plenty of pleasant, wonderful people and I will write about them as well. It is just a little more fun to write about the crazies!  

“I got a complicated ordah!”

Now I know how Bon Qui Qui feels…

Large Vanilla Latte

Usual ingredients include:

• Nonfat milk, steamed
• 3 shots of espresso
• Vanilla flavoring 

This lady’s large vanilla latte:

• Add 1 shot
• Substitute no sugar added (NSA) vanilla flavor
• Half the amount of vanilla
• Add 2 splenda packets
• Substitute nonfat milk for soy milk
• Warm rather than hot

Lady! How did you even find out you liked your drink this way? You’re decreasing the amount of sweetener only to add 2 packets of splenda, which is the base for the NSA vanilla flavoring anyway. 

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

STEAMED MILK, OBVIOUSLY. THANKS TUMBLRBOT.

What’s this all about?

I’ve scored my first job working as a barista. As we all know there are some characters out there in the world and a small percent of them happen to stumble into my place of employment. So here is a collection of stories and encounters with sometimes pleasant and sometimes… not so pleasant people.